December 13, 2004
(Swans - December 13, 2004)
Frustrated by the harsh realities of 2004? There are plenty of alternative realities to focus on that will lift your spirits and make things right for the New Year. Purge your terrorism paranoia by eating cockroaches on Fear Factor. Find happiness in an Extreme Makeover, with a facelift, tummy tuck, new teeth, new nose, new hair; or turn to The Swan if you're an ugly duckling yearning to be a beautiful princess.
Still unhappy? Watch Dr. Phil on prime time every night for free 30-minute sessions that will set you straight. Try trading your spouse for another, or win an Extreme Makeover for your house. If you need a hero for inspiration, turn on a baseball or basketball game. The steroid-enhanced players (when they aren't beating up fans) will tell you about other paths to happiness. Ask your doctor if Viagra is right for you; or for Cialis, when the moment is right; and Prozac, when the moment is wrong.
Send your children to Iraq to fight for faux freedom and delusional democracy. Don't worry about reports of residual insurgent fighting, mounting casualties and escalating violence. Democracy will prevail and an election will take place! Look, it happened in Afghanistan, where capitalism is flourishing in the form of a puppet president and a revived poppy industry.
If you are one of the 34 million Americans living in poverty, do not despair. Though we've yet to declare the War on Poverty, the US Department of Homeland Security has awarded $2.5 billion for terrorism preparedness. The food and water that you don't have access to will be safe from a hypothetical attack.
Got a criminal record? You're job is assured if you hold a governmental leadership role -- we've revised the law accordingly. Otherwise, we just need a little DNA sample in case we need to track you down in the future, and to make sure we don't accidentally condemn you to death. It won't hurt a bit...
Concerned about your dead-end job and your retirement benefits that we're spending? No worries, the economy is strong and there are still plenty of good quality jobs that have yet to be outsourced. Just keep your noses to the grindstone and trust that the powers that be will take care of you and will invest your Social Security funds appropriately.
Still mulling over the election results? It's time to move on and trust that four years from now you'll see your Anyone But Bush desires come to fruition and real change can happen! Hey, what about a Democrat for real change?
God Bless America and this faux reality that keeps us distracted from the real one.
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Actions & Ideas to NOT play the Game on Swans
America the 'beautiful' on Swans
Jan Baughman on Swans (with bio).
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This Week's Internal Links
2004: A Case Study In Forensic Irony - by Phil Rockstroh
2004: Diary Of A Man In Despair - by Michael Doliner
Empire Of Amnesia, 2004 - by John Steppling
2004: Another Best and Worst Year - by Joe Davison
2004: The Lost Year - by Eli Beckerman
2004: Perspectives And Opportunities - by Louis Proyect
2004: The Insurgent Word - by Gerard Donnelly Smith
Retrospective On 2004, Or Why I Need More Sleep - by Joel Wendland
Beyond The Beyond: Reflections on a November Visited Upon us . . . Again - by Milo Clark
2004: We Could Use Some People Power In The U.S. - by Frank Wycoff
2004: The Superpower Kept Sinking - by Philip Greenspan
The Message Of 2004 - by Charles Marowitz
2004: A Year Of Frightening Regression - by Edward S. Herman
2004: The Year Of Disillusion - by Manuel García, Jr.
Death Genes: The Second Coming - Book Excerpt by Walker Percy
Libertad Bajo Palabra - Poem by Octavio Paz (also in French and in English)
Plantation Politics? Mimes, Minstrels And Miscalculation - by S. Jeffrey Jones
Blips #8 - From the Editor's desk
Letters to the Editor