October 18, 1996
Some Deep Throat hidden within the bowels of our national fruit cake campaign passed on to us one of the scripts that Bobby Dolly wanted to use for his introduction in the last presidential debate in San Diego: (Sorry we cannot divulge the name of our source.)
Note: The words between brackets were up to his discretion to use to lighten the atmosphere.
My fellow Americans, my dearest friends [you're all my friends except the fiendish liberal media, the gays and lesbians, the abortionists, the atheists, the immigrants, whomever will vote for Perot or Clinton, the poor who do not vote and if they voted they would not vote for me anyway, and Fidel Castro or whatever], in three weeks you will face the most important vote of your life; you will decide about the future of this great nation, your very future [and mine]. So, let me tell you what it is all about [didn't I already say it was about my future?]: It is about Trust. It is about Honesty. It is about Character. It is about the Honor of the Office of President of the United States. This is what it is all about. Who can you trust will do what he promised? Who can you trust will lower your taxes by 15%, increase defense spendings [to save the world from itself in the name of our nationally interested wallet], defend Medicare to the hilt, save the environment and balance the budget, all at once? Trust, trust, trust, and character. This is what it is all about. Trust. Character.
You know you can count on me. You know I shall do as I said. You know that with me, starting next January, we will have prayer in school, abortion will be illegal, our southern border will be electrified and illegal immigrants fenced out, and quotas in our universities and businesses will be no more [hum, wrong line... Who wrote this, Reed of the Christian Coalition or Reed, my campaign manager? Could well have been Pat Buchanan...]. The real issue in this election is not the issue of the issues but the issue of trust and character [hope they got that one]. Vote on the issue.
You have to look at my opponent--not my enemy but my opponent, as I have said again and again. Look at Bill, err.. President Clinton, and ask yourself: Can you trust him for the next four years?
I am not talking about his personal character, I am not talking about his philandering, or his marijuana inhaling [eh, eh, I just said it]. His private life should remain what it is, private. I am talking about his character for the Office of President. Can you be trusted, Mr. President? This is the question I ask. Look at the record of his Administration: Travelgate, FBI-Filesgate, Whitewatergate, Jonesgate [as said, nothing personal], campaign contributionsgate, Morrisgate, Espygate, Eldersgate... So many gates you could drive a Titanic through [hope I am not a passenger!]. Tell the truth, Mr. President. Do not lie to the American People [this is a great line I used against my dear friend George in 1988]. Answer the questions, Mr. President; say that you will not pardon Susan McDougall, as I said in 1974 we should not pardon Richard Nixon [well, I changed my mind in 1976 about this but by then I was on the Ford ticket and in 1974 I was in the fight of my life to keep my Senate seat. Anyway, changing one's mind has nothing to do with character. Only fools do not change! And I ain't no fool...]. You see, my fellow Americans, here is the difference: When my friend George Bush pardoned Caspar Weinberger of any criminal charges related to Irangate, it was okay and I supported the President. As we all know, President Bush had nothing to do--never involved--with Irangate, and there was no scandal in the first place, so it was right to pardon. But President Clinton was personally involved with Ms. McDougall, I mean with Whitewater or whatever. So I am asking you, Mr. President, tell us, tell the American People, you will never pardon anyone remotely related to Whitewater [now, if he (Clinton) interjects that ten days ago I suggested that he should have answered the same question with "no comment", I'm gonna shoot back: This was then and this is now, and I'll add my famous line, the most endearing line in American politics, do not lie, Mr. President, tell the truth, do not lie to the American People about your record].
You see, it is about the dignity and the integrity of the Presidency [and my retirement plan]. You want someone in charge, someone you can trust. And you know that when Bob Dole says he will cut your taxes, he will, because he's always been in favor of tax cuts [well, almost always]. You know that when Bob Dole says that he will save Medicare--do not scare people, Mr. President-- he will, because he has always been in favor of Medicare [well, almost always and I'm gonna need it pretty soon anyway]. You know that when Bob Dole says that with him Affirmative Action is a goner you can trust him because he has always been against Affirmative Action [well, almost always, and as said, only fools do not change]. I could go on, the list is long. But in all cases, you know where Bob Dole stands and you know you can trust him to act accordingly [it's good to talk about me in the third person; leaves me a gate to retract myself; smart move].
So, when you are in the voting booth, do not think about Mr. Clinton's personal character, think about the President's character, and about my personal character that will make a great President-to-be character [or could have made, or whatever].
Thank you. I'll be glad to answer your questions [what time is it anyway?].
Question: Senator Dole, how does one move from underdog to attack-dog, on to becoming a cooked hotdog?
Answer (Senator Dole): Beats me! Guess we'll soon know. Next time, "just say no" to Bill (Bennet, not Clinton) for his always generous advice.