The Magic of Revisionism
by Jan Baughman

Disneyland, the Magic Kingdom, a haven of fantasies and adventures, has slid down that slippery slope to join the ranks of political correctness and enter the world of revisionist history. Their park's faux-pas was found in one of the more popular rides, the Pirates of the Caribbean, a mostly tranquil and occasionally thrilling boat journey through sultry waters, through the life and times of the bandits of the seas.

Pirates, by definition, weren't politically correct; they were lecherous and crass nomads pilfering their way to fortune. Today, pirates would not make the list of family-oriented, PC topics of amusements parks. But in the idealistic early days of Disneyland, when men were men and women were hunted objects, pirates were merely dangerous romantics.

Alleged complaints arose in response to a vignette in which pirates chased voraciously after full-figured wenches (with one laughable and excessively full-figured wench chasing a pirate). Disneyland is closing down this ride for repairs so that workers can place food in the arms of the damsels, thus transferring the object of desire to a more chaste and palatable entity. Actually, a more appropriate diversion would be a jug of rum, but since liquor is prohibited at Disneyland, this would definitely be politically incorrect.

In continuing this line of reasoning, Disney should recreate most of its movie characters. Sleeping Beauty and Pocahontas with their 36-22-34 inch qualifications; Snow White and the Seven Intellectually and Vertically-Challenged costars; Dumbo, an unfortunate mammal with unsuitable large appendages that made him a victim of discrimination.

Now that Disney owns ABC, they can start to work on many of the classics with a purge-and-replace campaign of political correctness. Take the scotch and cigars away from Bogie, take out all references to the Holocaust from the World War II films, and take those damn chimney sweeps out of Mary Poppins. Any occupation that causes testicular cancer is definitely NOT politically correct. Yes, Disney certainly has the balls to change history.

Published January 09, 1997
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