Jeopardy made in Swans
by Gilles d'Aymery

February 14, 1998

We have provided Alex Trebek, the affable host of the TV show Jeopardy, the following clues -- and their answers. Special guests for this unusual show are Peter Jennings of ABC, Dan Rather of CBS, and Tom Brokaw of NBC.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, I'm Alex Trebek and welcome to Jeopardy. Today, in the company of our three renowned guests, we will visit the intricacies of the crises our country is facing. Let's begin with the first clue.

1) Name the two things that Fidel Castro, William J. Clinton and Saddam Hussein have in common

Tick, tick, tick, tick...

And the answer is: What about, all three are presidents and they cannot be trusted?

2) Clinton's solution to this savvy, though alleged, characterization

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Answer: What is deny everything and bomb the enemy?
Correct. We can also accept: What is sending Paula Jones as a gift to Saddam and Monica Lewinsky to Fidel?

3) Saddam's solution to this unholy assimilation

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What is bunker down and play chess?

4) Castro's own solution to the dilemma

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What is invite the Pope for a visit?

5) Senator Jesse Helms' solution to this malevolent trio

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What is castrate them all and send them to Treasure Island?

6) Representative Henry Hyde's own solution to the same matter

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What is impeach them with ifs?

Well, it's time for our first commercial break. We'll be right back to introduce our contestants.

The first commercial is a rerun of the famous parody of the Nike's "I can" advertising campaign that first appeared on NBC during Super Bowl XXXII. Oops, can't run this one. Nike, which advertises on the three networks, has asked them to withdraw the spots. Well, in its place, here is the "Be all that you can be" ad from the US Army and Frito-Lay's "We'll feed the world."

So, Peter, no need to introduce you, but I am curious, why did you answer to the first clue: What are "men and naked"?

Alex, I cannot divulge my sources from deep inside the Paula Jones investigation but we credibly heard that she knew a lot about that and you know the emperor hath no clothes!

Ha, ha, ha!

And you, Tom, you seemed slightly annoyed by the answer to the Jesse Helms' clue. Why is that?

Well Alex, I know Jesse Helms. Jesse Helms is my friend. Believe me, your writer is no Jesse Helms. I found the answer to the clue quite deplorable and unrepresentative of the loving, caring individual that is Jesse. Your writer is not even an American citizen -- how dare he characterize our political and moral system in such a blatantly un-American way? He should be deported.

Don't worry, Tom, we'll call the INS. But remember, this is only a game, after all.

Dan, what's your take on this entire affair?

Alex, all I know is that we flew back from Havana in a hurry and have already dispatched an entire crew to Baghdad. This time, no question about it, we won't be upstaged by CNN. We're ready for the show, believe me!

Good for you!

Now it's time for Double Jeopardy.

7) Independent counsel Kenneth Starr's counterpart in Iraq

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Who is Richard Butler?

8) Three roguish states that deserve opprobrium from the righteous people of the world

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Who are China, France and Russia?

9) Best rationale to keep imposing crushing economic sanctions on Iraq

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What is domestic politics?
Correct. We would also accept "polls."

10) Definition of a unilateral act in the name of the United Nations

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What is a cruel joke?

11) Name of the self-entitled right to bomb whomever and wherever we see fit.

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What is messianic power?

12) The death toll of Iraqi children attributed to anthrax and the economic embargo

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What are zero and 500,000?

13) The concept behind the notion of preemptive strike to kill people now, thus avoiding killing more people later

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What is the Theory of Relative Morality?

All right, before we reveal the final category, let's see what the prizes are for the second and third finishers. Johnny?

Alex, we'll fly the second-place contestant to Baghdad to attend the forthcoming festivities. Three nights at the downtown Hilton hotel, courtesy of the US Air force. The third-place contestant will receive a free monthly dose of cortisone and calcium pills from Pharmaceutical Supplies of America, Inc. And of course, all contestants will get the Jeopardy home game.

Thank you, Johnny. Here is the last clue:

14) The American people's main interest and concern in these matters

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Tom, what was your response?
What is the stock market?
That is correct.

Dan, what did you put down?
What is football?
That too is correct.

And now to Peter. Your response was...
What is salacity?

You are all correct! Congratulations.
We would also have accepted "What is indifference?"

Well, time for another commercial break.

Published February 14, 1998
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