Swans

2000 Predictions
by Swans

No, how can it be? You're still alive? No Y2K mayhem, no terrorist attack, no Armageddon? Electricity's running, there's water from the faucet, supermarkets have food aplenty... Man, what to do with the generator, the gallons of water, zillion of cans of food, barrels of gasoline stored in the garage? Fully prepared for the end of time and the only beginning to account for is a bad headache and a hangover... What a letdown! But, don't worry, there's more to come for the anxiety-addicted masses. Millennarists can buy time by declaring 2001 as the true new millennium, thus giving themselves another year to dream about the coming of the end, and Y2K fatalists can start preparing for Y3K. If that's not enough, keep the terrorists and "rogue" states in mind. The mere incantation of those villains should help us all stick to our bunkers and hold on to the ammo and the stored food. Of course, if that's still not enough, there are our predictions:

• Following severe weather disturbances in Europe and elsewhere, NATO will indict Mother Nature on crimes against humanity and property rights for her alleged terrorist attacks.

• Following those alleged terrorist attacks by natural elements, NATO will proceed to extend its jurisdiction to the heavens.

• The U.S. Navy, realizing that traveling to exotic places is its main selling point, will acquire Carnival Cruise Line, forming the largest and most heavily armed commercial cruise line in the world. Want to cruise? Join the Navy!

• International Laws, perpetually redefined and enhanced by the U.S. and its European allies, will keep applying to everybody except the U.S. and its European allies. To advance civilization to greater heights, someone ought to have the right to bomb "rogue" states and people with total impunity.

• To lead the forces of good and commerce against evil and anarchy, the "indispensable nation" will elect a new leader. He will be male, white, and a God-fearing Christian.

• But he won't be Orin Hatch who, once he drops out of the race, will go back to his religious songwriting and the coziness of his Senate seat.

• Nor will Jesse Helms fit the bill. Instead, following in Bob Dole's footsteps, he'll become the latest spokesman for Viagra. Far away, on the Vatican's shores, the pope will have a keen interest in Jesse Helm's new venture, wondering whether he could further Catholicism by becoming the Church's advocate for a new face of erectile dysfunction.

• Two political insiders, running as outsiders, will be on the presidential ticket of the Millennium. Both Bill Bradley and John McCain will lead the free world with a mix of practical idealism a la Gore and compassionate conservatism a la Bush. The oppressed world will live in dread of the new messianic duo.

• Under such enlightened leadership, the first act of the new Third Way democratic Congress will be sweeping healthcare reform to provide coverage for underinsured pets. Their uninsured owners will have to wait for the next Millennium.

• The Hollywood elite, sensing a new age of evangelization, will replace "The Car", the Hummer urban assault vehicle, with a duplicate of the $1.5 million Lancia Giubileo, the 2000 Popemobile. The Vatican will call this trend a "significant movement away from violence toward a more spiritual society."

• Following the success of Francis Fukuyama's "End of History", the neo-conservative author will publish yet another best seller, "The End of Ideology." The last part of his trilogy will be entitled "The End of Religion." Chances of his predictions' realization are anyone's guess.

• We'll be one year older.

• A sequel, "The Courage to be Old", will follow the best selling book and documentary, "The Courage to be Rich". The end of the trilogy will be entitled "The Courage to Die." It will be the most popular gift from baby boomers to their parents next Christmas.

• Scientific researchers will then come up with "The Courage to Resurrect." "Born again, born again," they'll sing under the direction of a rejuvenated Jesse Jackson. Both the Pope and Jesse Helms will see a sign of God and hope.

• They'll never die.

• Some of us will die.

• Our insured pets will mourn.

And for those of us still around to observe all of the above there will be Swans' Commentaries to savor.

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