June 11, 2001
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Dear Mr. Collins,
The intent of this letter is to notify you that you have broken the terms of your auto insurance and your auto policy fees will therefore be raised accordingly.
On December 2, 1999 at 4:47 pm you left the parking garage, paid for your parking ($8.27) with your 1st TC Bank card (1158 3827 1387 2204) and nearly ran down a Mr. Ronald Ekins as you pulled onto the street. That incident was recorded by the cameras of our subsidiary Total Control Security who is under contract by the city to provide traffic and security systems. Mr. Ekins' lawyers will be contacting you shortly regarding this matter. As you are aware, the frightening of senior citizens is not covered under our general policy, and you are therefore personally liable.
After the incident with Mr. Ekins, full tracking of your activities was automatically begun through the GPS unit in your car. You proceeded North on I-71 for 17 miles at an average speed of 71.3 mph. As you are aware the speed limit on that highway is a uniform 60 mph. In addition, due to traffic conditions at the time, you could only have attained this speed by using the carpool lane. As the video obtained when you terrified poor Mr. Ekins shows, you were alone. Therefore in addition to the speeding ticket you also owe a $300 fine. The highway patrol, whom we have notified, will be contacting you shortly.
After leaving the highway at exit 31A at the unsafe speed of 41mph you drove to the Albertson's grocery store at 401 NE 54th St and made several purchases on your 1st TC Bank card (1158 3827 1387 2204). Because we are a company that prides ourselves on full customer service we would like to point out that the Trojan extra-sheer condoms were on sale, and you could have saved $0.58 if you had purchased those instead of the off-brand you bought instead. The video records of the store, who also contract with Total Control Security, further indicate that you neglected to hold the door for a man on crutches.
After leaving the Albertson's store you drove straight to Chez Bob's for dinner. Your 1st TC Visa card (8654 8732 1274 4107) shows that you purchased a lovely dinner for two. The wine, by the way, was an inspired choice and we must compliment you. Because of your discerning taste we have sent you a free introductory subscription to Vineyard and would like to take this opportunity to offer you the chance to sign up for our Diner's card. We expect you probably won't accept this offer, however, as the tip you left suggests that you're rather cheap.
After leaving Chez Bob's you drove, somewhat more slowly with apparent difficulty, to 701 NE 51st Ave. You were probably drunk but we can't prove it, so we can only caution you to be more careful in the future. A further search of records indicated that 701 NE 51st Ave is the residence of one Mr. Johnathon Berry. Based on the previous incidents in the evening, and the fact that Mr. Berry subscribes to GQ, Men's Health, and drives a 1997 Miata, we conclude that Mr. Berry is, in all likelihood, your boyfriend. Records also indicate that you spent the night and left from Mr. Berry's residence at 7:18am December 3rd, and returned to work. No doubt wearing the same clothes you had on the day before.
While we at Total Control Insurance have a policy of non-discrimination, we feel we must point out that being a homosexual puts you at greater risk for certain diseases, injuries, and worried late-night phone calls from your mother. As we are also your group medical insurance provider, and all of these can impact your health, we are forced to raise your medical insurance premiums. We have notified your employer, The Christian Broadcasting Network, of your status and asked them to adjust your withholding accordingly.
Mr. Collins, I just want to take this moment to reassure you that we are a company that cares. We provide this attention to detail and level of service to all of our customers. Your case did not receive any special attention despite the suggestion in your last correspondence that, "you are only doing this because of the time my dog took a shit in the neighbor's pool. And my neighbor turned out to be your CEO's daughter." We provide this sort of service because it helps us to keep our costs as low as possible. And this allows us to pass the savings on to you and not, as you further suggested in your last letter, to "provide enough money for your CEO to hire the sort of hookers that would consider sleeping with him." I can only reiterate that we have your best interests at heart.
We look forward to serving you in the future. Thank you for using TCC, and have a nice day. Please enjoy the enclosed introductory coupons.
Mr. Michael W. Pinkerton
Assistant to Mr. Tittle, CEO of Total Control Corporation.
David Deckert is a software engineer for a dot.com company in the Northwest with a keen eye for the absurdities of the world and the wit to expose them in delightful but frequently biting satire.
Please, DO NOT steal, scavenge or repost this work without the expressed written authorization of Swans, which will seek permission from the author. This material is copyrighted, © David Deckert 2001. All rights reserved.
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