July 29, 2002
A source, who must remain nameless for obvious reasons, has just sent me
copies of a few of the first reports that came into the government's
Terrorism Information and Prevention System, popularly known as Operation
I don't want to compromise our security by leaking classified documents, but since so many commies, pinkos and other unpatriotic scums have been badmouthing the TIPS program, I thought that the public should see just how important these reports from our Heroes of America are. Some details in these reports have been deleted to protect the guilty, even if they don't deserve it.
PHONE: July 3, 2002. Hey, this is Harry...er, sorry, I forgot...this is HS98756. As you know from my file, I'm a telephone repairman. I was just in the apartment of J.... Huston, ... West Huston Street ... hey, I just noticed that; supposed the street is named after her? Anyways, she has subversive books all over the place, just lying around like she doesn't care who sees them. Like, for example, she's got that book that makes fun of our great president....unh, let me check my notes, "Stupid White Men" by Michael Moore. How come you let things like that get published? She has a whole bunch of books like that. Made me sick to look at them. I mean, she's a librarian and is probably corrupting our kids with those kinds of books. But I kept my cool and she never suspected I was taking notes. Let me know if you want the names of some of the other books.
EMAIL: July 5, 2002. This is badge number HS99360 and I wish to report a very suspicious situation at the home of Katib Ben Kalil Abdu Lufti. I entered the premises on ....... Street at 11:15 a.m. to deliver a registered letter he had to sign for. The letter came from the Saudi Arabia embassy! I know they are considered allies of the U.S. and that isn't supposed to be suspicious in itself, but it did serve to ensure that I was alert and cautious. While I was there, Mr. Lufti received a phone call and began talking in some weird language that was probably Muslim or Turkish or Egyptian or something similarly strange. I couldn't understand the language, of course, but I'm sure one of the words sounded like "bomb," and another sounded like "airline."
PHONE: July 5, 2002. This is HS89766. My nogoodnik son-in-law just walked out on my daughter. I never could see what she saw in him. Maybe now she'll listen to her mother. I didn't want to say anything before, it's hard to turn in family even when you know you should. But now that he's gone, I must tell you, he is a very suspicious character. He goes out and drinks all night with guys with funny accents. I mean, he SAYS he is just drinking with them, but who knows! They were all over here one night to a barbecue, and the girlfriend of one of them -- she had some weird name, Vairocana, I think, what kind of a name is that! -- was dressed in a weird long dress and wearing a jewel stuck in the middle of her forehead. She sure didn't look like any AMERICAN I have ever seen. My son-in-law -- ex son-in-law soon if I have anything to say about it -- lives at ........
PHONE: July 7, 2002. Hey, you better come quick. I just saw -- oh, yeah, I'm HS91678. Come quick! There's a couple of guys here in the library reading a newspaper that looks like it is written in arabesque...you know, the language those dirty Arabs use. And they're whispering to each other. There are three of them. Very dark guys. I mean, dark skin, you know? And they keep whispering, like they're planning something. One of them is on the Internet and checking out some unamerican places. I'm sure I saw a picture of Saddam Hussein.
EMAIL: July 8, 2002. This is HS88655. I just had the occasion to enter the home of Yellow Bear Sikyahonaw. You know from my dossier who I am and what I used to do before I went private so I don't need to belabor the obvious. I was able to finish my installation in very good time so I used the opportunity to explore the premises. My client is not the only one monitoring Mr. Sikyahonaw. One device has Cyrillic markings and is similar to equipment often sent by the Soviets to their friends in Iraq. The implications of this are profoundly serious and must be brought to the attention of higher authorities at once.
PHONE: July 8, 2002. I'm HS93459 and I just saw a couple of nigg...African American men sitting in a bar -- a WHITE bar, mind you -- laughing and doing those stupid hands things, you know diving their hands at each other like a couple of planes in a dogfight. They pretended they weren't watching the TV, but all their whooping and hollering and laughing was just when the TV news was showing an American plane that had been shot down in Afghanistan...not that those towel heads could have shot one of our planes down, it was probably an accident. Anyway, these guys were enjoying the hell out of it. Anyone who thinks it's something to laugh about when one of our planes is downed, is someone we have to keep an eye on. The bartender told me that their names are ........
EMAIL: July 11, 2002. HS90333 here. I'm an accountant at ... I don't want to write the company's name here, but you have it in my records. I'm sending you as an attachment the purchase files for the past six months of people on our preferred customer list. I've highlighted some of the names for you of some people who have been making odd purchases. One person with an Arabic sounding name, for example, has been buying huge amounts of hummus, yogurt, tabouleh, chickpeas and lentils, pita bread, Arabic Pickled Turnips and, get this, Aroz Mofalfal, otherwise known as Arabian Rice. The amount purchased is too much for one family and I think a discreet investigation may be in order to find out how many other Arabs are living (or plotting) in that household. There are many other names that you might want to investigate. Incidentally, I have friends in several other industries -- car rentals, hotels, airlines, etc. -- and we are all willing to send you information about our companies' customers. Whether or not company officials like it. We've got to stop these terrorists NOW.
PHONE: July 14, 2002. This is agent HS91465. I've been told I can't tell people outside the Night Watch (hee, just my little code name for our group) that I'm an agent, but you guys already know, right? So it's OK to call myself agent HS91465 to you. Stands to reason. Right? Anyway, I just want to tell you what a fabulous job you guys are doing -- hee, us guys. We're going to clean this country up, get rid of all the towel heads and wogs, spics and chicanos, fags, like that. We probably can't get rid of all the niggers, but we ought to try to keep out those Haitian guys sneaking over here on boats. Like I said, I'm proud to be part of this program to keep America safe for real Americans.
These are only a handful of the thousands and thousands of tips that are now pouring into central headquarters every day, leaving terrorists no place to hide.
· · · · · ·
Deck Deckert has spent nearly two decades as copy editor, wire editor and news editor at several metropolitan newspapers, including the Miami Herald and Miami News, before becoming a freelance writer. His articles and stories on everything from alligator farming to UFOs have appeared in numerous U.S. publications. He has written two young adult novels under a pen name, and co-authored a novel about the NATO war on Yugoslavia, Letters from the Fire, with Alma Hromic.
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