March 15, 2004
One day before I die I would like to hear a presidential candidate or a president say a few things to the American people; I am just so tired of the policy rat-a-tat-tat that I've heard forever. Ten presidents now and they all sound the same... I mean, really, would you hang around someone who talks like they do in everyday life? Anyway, let's go over a few issues as of late and how I would like to hear them speak to me:
America, I come before you today bewildered; somehow over the years, Congress, my predecessors, and I have gotten into the employment business, but is not that up to you? Over the past four decades you, the famed and glorified and heroic American consumer, have wanted quality products and you have wanted them at a low cost. Well, the companies you bought from heard you and moved their operations out of the country and delivered the products you wanted at a cheap price. Now, America, you are all in a tiff about the legions of unemployed people around. Give me a break! You control what products you want; you also control who makes them. If you want products made in America, demand it. You will, of course, need to pay more for them; but then again, you will put people back to work. As for now, the most I can do as your president is impose tariffs and take the flack for trade wars.
America, I come before you today to ask what part of the separation of church and state do you not understand?
America, I come before you today about this Super Bowl breast thing: Could it be possible that there are more of you than I thought that have not seen a breast before and were waiting for your wedding night? Or maybe there are a lot of children that were never breast-fed and got a real shock about the bumps under mother's shirt... Or, was it the fact that the breast was that of Janet Jackson? Now, here is where I agree with you: I'll start working on a constitutional amendment right away prohibiting any member of the Jackson family from showing up on any television, radio or stage, cloth or not, ever -- First Amendment notwithstanding.
America, I come before you today to let you know that I have invited President Castro over for a barbecue next Saturday. I hope to end this embargo on the Cuban people. Boy, I hope I do not have to eat too much crow... By the way, I need a few good cigars and two tickets to a Yankees game...
America, I come before you today to let you know that with all the same-sex marriages going on around the country, there has been no impact on my immediate family or myself, cabinet or staff. To tell you the truth, had it not been for the media... Oh, never mind, I still don't give a damn!
America, I come before you today to ask a favor: Can I just ignore Israel and Palestine for the next four years? I mean, really, each and every time my predecessors have gotten involved, there've been more bombs, more deaths, more lies, and more denials... I really could use the time to convince Congress about universal heath care.
America, I come before you today to let you know that the drug war, after forty years, is finally over. We lost! But I am sure you knew this. All the money in the budget for the next ten years will be turned over to every community in the U.S. Do what you think is best, and good luck.
America, I come before you today to let you know my conscience will no longer allow me to live in the White House. I represent the American people, I am not above or below you, we are all created equally. My family and I are moving into this cute little loft we found just down the street. All money saved will go to the homeless in New York City; I've heard it's going to be a tough winter.
Thank you for your time.
Frank W. Wycoff
(Brought to you by the Draft Frank W. Wycoff Presidential Committee)
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Frank Wycoff is a true friend of Swans, literally. Even more, he was one of the five crazies who launched Swans in 1996, and while not contributing his words for several years, he has helped in countless ways, quietly, in the background, to keep the project going. Frank Wycoff used to have a small printing business in California. He and his wife Nancy sold it in 1998 and relocated to Oneonta, New York, where he now works as an independent contractor around the houses, many of them in dire need of his expertise.
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