Swans Commentary » swans.com September 12, 2005  



James Joyce Attends The President's News Conference


by Robert Wrubel






All the presidens mien, arraigned for cramera --
Rumpty, Chumpty, Leezy and Sleezy (KR) --
Stund besind him, hams folded, respitefully.
Presbytent snugs his tie, smirks at repeater from Washington Poach.

Ratings'v slunk to falltime low (60% reprove, 30% pretty sore, 10% abstoned)
Americonned people hav stooped to unmire hum.
Now they weight, anticipant, knowing stakes ar high --
Sedent term, plates in hystery, more becks for Buchtel!

Of all his specious, this is spaciously impertent!

Lo, drop of swealth uphairs upon his bow, so nerfous is he!
But now comes green light. . . Attendez!
Depressent claires his throat, and spiks: Ola!


"Fellow Umericans, onerous mumbers of Congrets,
Tonight we face devisive moment in nation's mystery.
Since Nein Erleben, we ur aggrieved in mighty battle with farces of good and heaval,
Ever rending war on error, tamperrurally being fraught in Iroiq.
Now, Iroquis are feifdom-loving people
Who only want to unjoy gist of livery which is their rite,
While we, most prayerful nation unnearthed,
Has come to their pretense, in straggle for fiefdom.

Fellow Emirians, Iroiq is devised into three parch --
Kurks in north, Baathtists in middle, and Shitites in south.
Shitites are coopterators; Baathtists are asses of evil; and Kurks have mucho oil.
(Iranthians are revolved, too, making two asses of evil!).
Now, under our misinterested supervision ('write this down, raghead!'),
Iroiquis have rote a constribution, following our inspections --
(proof that Iroiq is bacon of liverie and demockery in Middle Eats!)
But Baathtists -- wicked baathtists, asses of evil -- are rejesting consterbation,
Threadening sibl war, and sewing discard.
Now, sibling wore in Iroiq is contra Aramicon's tragedic interest there --
Disrepting oil suffice and unballoting regencal stability. Plus,
Two moony Armorian libs been lobst, words exspent, sheckls shelled,
To never yet might so far perhaps someday tobandon our mission in Iroiq!
I sigh this sanssorowly with firm dissolve!

Therefour twonight, as Meander in Cheap, I'm orduring Fleet Amoral Jock O'Casey
(attaboy, Jock, how'sa wife? Les get togever again, swoon!)
To prepyre and deploy Tactile Nutrient Wippons, for use in Baathtist area of Iroiq.
These wipppons, remined you, is one sneaky little bunker buster atombomb
(Hot damn, kaboom, Saddam! Sharks and Jaws!)
Only to be quagged in mire insurgency, or pretextion of national succority.
Now, hoard it is to believe, some (Latte Liberals, Sneaky Treators, Sunday Sheehans) say
Tactful Miscreant Wippons violets rills of yore!
But, I say to hem, gradations make thir own rills, and don't half to nix perdition.
(Anyhow, allies may chafe, but cronies will be cheerier!)

My follow sinizens, hystery commends we rise to invasion.
Our elms and alders who have littered their leaves disserve no loess of (1)
Our sacret Hummer rechoirs us to sway the coarse!

A lapse, we see the flight at the end of the tumbril;
The seas are ported, and we will marsh unto the oily land!
With helf of God (and Shariel Aroon) I'm incompetent we will subsede.
Trink you, and goodnipe."


(off camera)
Turdblossom, get this wire off me! Who's the fatboy with the No War sign in the third row?

(Nitwork Commentary)
Well, Chet, the penitent deliveried quote a speesh tonipe!
Yes, David, he circumly did!
He seemed to have commend of all the ficts,, and looked perspirential, too.
No doubt, David. The Dimmocrats will have a hired time refooting him.

(Dimmocratic Desponse)
Stringt! Corage! Fumbly Values! Blanch Bucket!
Joe Biden make nice lookin' VP, huh?



1.  The reporter, who appears to be drunk here, probably means "Our sons and daughters who have lost their lives deserve no less of us." -- Ed  (back)

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About the Author

Robert Wrubel is a writer and activist living in Sausalito, California.



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Swans -- ISSN: 1554-4915
URL for this work: http://www.swans.com/library/art11/wrubel02.html
Published September 12, 2005