by Charles Marowitz
[In 1933, after the election of Franklin D. Roosevelt, the new president steamrollered a batch of new legislation into his first hundred days, more than most presidents pass during their entire term. What follows is a short list of suggested measures intended (humbly) to assist the new chief executive, whomever he may be.]
(Swans - November 3, 2008)
• Proceedings against ex-president George W. Bush and all political operatives who deceived the USA into launching a bogus war against Iraq will be hauled before a war-crimes tribunal. Photos of all servicemen deceased in the conflict shall be prominently displayed in the courtroom.
• An Executive Board consisting of patients fleeced by doctors and attorneys shall be created, whose task it will be to drastically reduce the fees charged by the legal and medical professions. Any doctor or lawyer exceeding the nationally-fixed minima shall have their appendixes forcibly removed.
• It shall be deemed a crime if it is proven that members of the Food & Drug Administration have had even the slightest contact with drug companies. Persons proven guilty of influence peddling shall be placed in an overcrowded hospital ward and forced to insert jumbo-sized suppositories.
• All persons found to be involved in lobbying activities shall be forced to wear striped pajamas and yellow badges in the shape of dollar signs.
• Mormons will be banned from marrying more than one wife, except in those cases where the additional brides are clearly both ugly and frigid. Since such women are usually condemned to celibacy, these imposed unions will strengthen the practice of monogamy.
• In the event that gasoline should again prove to be in short supply, a special receptacle will be placed in both houses of Congress to capture the hot air emanating therefrom and immediately converted into methane gas.
• TV networks found guilty of distorting or inventing facts shall have their programs immediately withdrawn and forced to view looped reruns of Nancy Grace.
• Same-sex marriage will be recognized as the law of the land, on the clear understanding that once the knot is tied, divorces will not be permitted.
• All public demonstrations will be irrevocably banned, except in those cases where the processions are made up of naked, big-breasted, teenage girls.
• In colleges throughout the land, professors who habitually bore the student body will be tied to their lecterns, ceremonially immolated, and their ashes thrown into the faces of the chancellor.
• All racist and religious epithets shall, in accordance with the First Amendment be considered protected speech and to enforce this freedom, adhesive tape shall be placed over the mouths of those exercising their Constitutional rights.
• Presidential terms will be reduced from eight years to eight months to allow for the swift removal of dud Heads-of-State.
• All members of Congress receiving bribes to promote certain items of legislation shall immediately be reported to the attorney general. If equivalent dollar amounts are not immediately disbursed to members of the Senate, the culprits will be placed in an unventilated auditorium and forced to watch reruns of Bill O'Reilly.
• In the event that a member of the Senate exercises the right to filibuster, each of his fellow senators will, during the course of his testimony, be permitted to take turns urinating on the miscreant.
• Financial brokers responsible for duping gullible borrowers shall be removed from their palatial homes and herded into trailers left over from Katrina.
• Since it benefits the economy to have strong, robust, and athletic immigrants assisting in agriculture, only those Hispanics able to climb the Wall will be admitted into the United States.
• Wall Street CEOs ending their periods of tenure will each be issued a golden parachute -- with the ripcord removed.
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