2002 Predictions



Witnessing the slow but apparently ineluctable and painful passage from democracy to authoritarianism of whatever label it ends up with, the descent into barbarism and obscurantism, the disintermediation of the economy, the killings in the name of whomever gods and ideologies, the displacement of reason by rationalization, the intellectual prostitution of our laptop bombers and other whores of our punditry, the dawn of savage capitalism and the apathy of suburban mittlemind, is not cause for celebration....or humor for that matter. Yet, it's worth remembering the rule established by Maurice Maréchal, the founder of the satirical French weekly, Le Canard Enchaîné, when the assassin of the great Jean Jaurès* was acquitted:

     1- Get indignant.
     2- Laugh: It's more powerful, more effective, more avenging, and funnier.

If our predictions shock, irritate, offend, outrage you, don't be surprised, for that's one of their raisons d'être. You are free not to read, aren't you? The other purpose is to make you laugh, presuming that laughter has not been banned by the Terrorist Act of October 2001. So, here we go, sit tight and enjoy!


•   First and foremost, Ronald Reagan will be beatified and the flag sanctified.

•   All churches will relocate to Mall Inc., thus allowing Americans to indulge in their two favorite pastimes in one location. "Shop till you drop to your knees and pray," says Bush II. "It's good for your soul, the economy and my re-anointment."

•   Overpopulation becomes a moot issue (if it were ever a real one) thanks to the latest techniques of population control. Abortion and family planning are out, replaced by the morally-superior surgical techniques of carpet bombing, famine, AIDS and other epidemics.

•   The pro-life crowd will adopt all Afghan orphans, so help us god.

•   Concerned Pentagon officials decide to change the color of their cluster bombs and food rations from yellow to green, the color of hope. "Keep green alive," will intone Jesse Jackson. "With green there can be no confusion as to our humanitarian motives," says Bush II.

•   Military tribunals will condemn the Taliban and Al Qaeda to pay for WTC damages in the trials brought up by the heroic freedom fighters (read firefighters, police officers, CIA drug-running moles, Did not inhale you-know-whom, compassionate the other). The IMF and the WTO will loan them the monies.

•   The Nobel Peace price will be awarded to the NYC firefighters for heroically impeding 9-11 victims from walking down the WTC stairs.

•   Attorney General Ashcroft is caught masturbating while reciting his morning Pater Noster in his office.

•   Confessing to his crime, Ashcroft discloses that he has had sex with an angel. (Laura Bush blushes.)

•   In response to unexpected side effects, recipients of the experimental anthrax vaccine will file a class-action lawsuit against the US government for engaging in bioterrorist acts against US citizens. The Office of Homeland Security folds in confusion. To replace OHS, Bush II appoints Pat Robertson Chief of Faith-Based Homeland Security. Numerous members of Congress make secret pledges to him, totaling $1.2 billion, to pray that no terror attacks occur in their districts for the remainder of their terms.

•   Class-action lawsuits against the airline industry, the airline industry security industry, the architects of the WTC and the Pentagon, the manufacturers of box cutters, the shoe industry, the FAA and the CIA will finally and decisively cripple the US economy. The Pentagon will come to the rescue, launching a series of mini wars to boost the economy.

•   The stock price of Smith and Wesson, GE, TRW, Boeing, Lockheed Martin, etc, will hold firm despite the downturn.

•   Carry-on and wear-on shoes will be banned from all commercial airline flights. "We believe that adding shoes to the list of banned items including fingernail clippers, knives and box cutters will ensure the continued safety of the flying public," states an FAA official. "Out of respect for your fellow passengers, please be sure to wear clean socks when you fly."

•   The Bush-Cheney oil administration will altruistically propose building an oil pipeline through Afghanistan as a means to stimulate the Afghan economy and provide living wages ($0.99 a day) for the victims of the Taliban regime. Overall, Afghanistan will receive as much reconstructing help as Yugoslavia, oil pipeline included.

•   American generosity will outdo itself. From now on, the GAO will include military expenses, bombing and the like, in the line item, "Help to the Third World and Beyond." Dan Rather will kneel in ecstasy. Bush II will oblige. Laura will blush once more. Hillary will laugh and all the while talk about a vast left-wing conspiracy.

•   Legacy in mind, Bill and Monica start a new & improved TV show to be aired on ABC. Main advertising support will come from the Cuban Government and cigar manufacturers. Feeling betrayed, Dan Rather becomes a Republican. Bush Sr. forgives him for his past sins. Bush Jr. opens his fly. Dan kneels again.

•   Dan Rather will find Bush Jr.'s apparel more appealing than Sr.'s.

•   In yet another act of final respect for the victims of 9-11, the US government will retire September 11 from the calendar. "Americans will never forget September 11 — we owe it to them that they not have to be reminded of it every year," says Bush II. "One less payday in the year will reduce costs to big business, thereby stimulating the economy," Bush tells aids in private. "There's nothing left in the budget to cut — see if there are any other days we can remove."

•   A congressional inquiry finds out that the reason for OBL's disappearance is due to a simple case of mistaken identity. The CIA brought him to the States under the Witness Protection Program and thanks to plastic surgery OBL became an Elvis look-alike, quietly blending into the Las Vegas scene.

•   AM General, the manufacturer of HUMVEE, will introduce its new SUV model, the Daisy Cutter, targeting 30-something women who are tired of fighting the traffic to deliver their children to school on time — with a stop and go at their local Starbuck's — and get to their gourmet market for food rations.

•   Al Gore will run for President of Argentina. Unable to resist a good prank, Bush II will secretly send Katherine Harris to Buenos Aires to oversee the ballot counting. After a landslide loss, Gore will shave his beard and convert to Islam.

•   Desperately looking for Bob Dole, Viagra hopes to turn the tide of midlife crisis birth rates back up to pre 9-11 levels. Elizabeth demurs. With Dole out of the picture, Arafat will apply for the Viagra spokesperson position after learning that Pfizer is seeking a more positive role model than Jesse Helms.

•   Sharon, seeking the fountain of youth, will join the Peace Corp.

•   To solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the UNESCO World Heritage Landmarks program will dismantle Jerusalem, relocating the Wailing Wall to the former site of the World Trade Center, the el-Aqsa Mosque to Mecca and the Church of the Holy Sepulcher to the Vatican. In their place, the Walt Disney Company will open Disney Universe, from which freedom and democracy will be extended to the heavens. A reprogrammed Saddam Hussein will be in charge of security.

•   Bill Gates will commit to rebuild Windows on the World on top of the relocated Wailing Wall, so long as he is guaranteed a monopoly for his cyberdishes.

•   Following consultation with god, Bush II will sign an Executive Order integrating space into the national territory of the United States of America. Planets and strata will be put on the auction block. Ted Turner, the Grand Priest of Environmentalism, will purchase the entire ozone layer at a rock bottom price, then lease it back to the Pentagon, thus confirming that in America, in the greatest tradition of our republic, profits are privatized and losses socialized.

•   Pope John Paul II stuns the world when he reveals that he has received gene-therapy treatment for Parkinson's disease. "The knowledge to invent this treatment is a gift from God," he proclaims, while opponents worldwide struggle to redefine their stance on the contentious issue.

•   The pope, enjoying his choirboy thoroughly, will finally rest in peace. Smoke will rise again for the next pope, Pope George Walker II. Long live the pope! The pope à ti, the pope à ta, the pope à tati, the pope à tata. Swans smells an odor of sanctity.

•   Milosevic will grow a Hitler mustache. Carla del Ponte will shave her pubic hair. They'll make it right in bed, together.

•   Serbia will be renamed "Serbiastan." Serbs will immigrate en masse to the country of their saviors, settle in Minnesota, rename the Mississippi River the "Danube" and then will secede from the Union to form the latest independent country in the Northern Hemisphere, Serbia of North America. Thus begins the Balkanization of the United States.

•   The world will never be the same after 9-11 except that the rich will get richer, the poor poorer, and the environment further degraded.

•   Never say never.

•   Barbarity, mediocrity, macabre adventures, self-serving reporting (read Robert Fisk and lesser known self-promoting, navel-centered scribes), puking pundits, pousse-à-jouir malarkeys, extroverted assholes, introverted wholeasses, bushies and cheynies, hillaries and sissies will carry the day. It's Sunday morning in America forever after.

•   Harvard U. will create a new curriculum covering moronity. (Micro$oft will add the word to its spell-checker). Swans' co-editors will be senior lecturers. Success guaranteed.

•   Putain de dieu, la connerie est sans limite. Elle se surpassera en 2002, jusqu'à ce que 2003 pointe son nez, et 2004, et 2005, ad vitam eternam....vraiment sans limite! Go translate.

•   It's all the same fucking shit...

•   We'll hang in there.

•   That is, elsewhere.

•   Few will join, if any, but we'll still be around.


*  You don't know who Jean Jaurès was, do you? Hmm, we'll forgive you this time. Your lucky day, we are in a sanctimonious mood! Jean Jaurès [1859-1914] was born in Castres, France. He attended the Ecole Normale Supérieure in Paris earning the title of "agrégé de philosophie." Upon graduation he worked as a teacher at the lycée of Albi (1881-83) and as a lecturer at the University of Toulouse (1883-85) (all details of importance to Swans' publisher). He was a magnificent orator, a congressman, one of the founding fathers of French socialism. In 1901 he created the French Socialist Party and in 1905 he was one of the founders of the Union of French Socialist Forces (S.F.I.O. — Section Française de l'Internationale Ouvrière). He ardently fought on behalf of Alfred Dreyfus. Not surprisingly — like so many great progressives before and after him — he was assassinated by one Raoul Villain, a reactionary, judged insane (hence his acquittal and Maurice Maréchal's rule), in Paris on July 31, 1914.

"Le courage, c'est de chercher la vérité et de la dire, c'est de ne pas subir la loi du mensonge triomphant qui passe et de ne pas faire écho aux applaudissements imbéciles et aux huées fanatiques." Jean Jaurès (Juillet 1903) [Let us know if you need a translation.]  (back)


Please, DO NOT steal, scavenge or repost this work without the expressed written authorization of Swans, which will seek permission from the author. This material is copyrighted. All rights reserved.


This Week's Internal Links

The Government That Cries Wolf - by Stephen Gowans

Measuring Life in Scrap Metal - by Jan Baughman

Why War Now? - by Milo Clark

War as Punishment Risks Splattering - by Milo Clark

Russia's Sept. 11 - by Stephen Gowans

Ghost of Xmas Past - by Michael W. Stowell

Who Turned Out The Lights? - by Alma A. Hromic

Letters to the Editor (On "Un-American, Fly-Shit Melody" and Gilles d'Aymery)


Published January 1, 2002
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