They Got Him

by Gilles d'Aymery

December 15, 2003


What do you mean they got him, I asked. Who's him, Saddam?

Howard Dean, my Republicrat neighbor answered this Sunday morning. Look, he said, the entire world is elated; Iraqis are jubilating; even the French congratulated Bush for this positive development. They got Saddam but it's really Dean they got by the balls.

Hmm, I pondered, didn't Dean get emasculated last week when Gore endorsed him, thus demonstrating to all that the insurgent candidate was nothing more than a pawn to thwart any potential resurgence of the antiwar movement and the development of a third party? Anyway, I went on, don't you think that the capture of Saddam is a slightly bigger game than presidential politics?

Hell, no, he answered.

Care to explain?

Dean is of no use anymore. He's done the job. The Greens are D.O.A. and the antiwar movement history. Kucinich's a walking cadaver. Time to get back to business as usual. The boys are in charge. It's a great day for America, I'd say, and for the Iraqis -- never forget the Iraqis, freedom & democracy, and tutti-quanti. But we are back in charge. Look, the republicans even helped a Democratic Leadership Council (DLC) democrat get elected in San Francisco. Without their vote the Green guy would have won....actually, the DLC guy is a Republicrat who had given $500 to the 2000 Bush campaign -- so he's one of us. Things could not look better at this time.

Uh, looks like it, doesn't it? But what happens when during the international trial Saddam starts spilling the beans on all the cozy relations he had, once upon a time, with the Bushites? I ventured to ask.

Gosh, are you naïve, or what? Did the cozy relationships with the bin Laden family hurt the Bushites? There won't be an International Tribunal for Saddam. We don't want another Milosevic out there making fun of us. We'll dispatch Saddam to feed the daisies in a hurry -- Iraqi justice, ya' know. The stock market will surge upward on the good news. The reconstruction of Iraq will keep lifting the economy, and the French will get their ass whipped -- a favorite of mine, sorry mate! Meanwhile, Dean is showing his true DLC colors. Yesterday, he talked of his differences with Bush as "it's all about nuances," and today, he congratulated the prez for a job well done. Talk about insurgency! The guy's a fluke who's taken the Greens and the lib-labs for a well-deserved ride -- they have nowhere to go but back to the fold, as we had planned all along.

Still, I said, Saddam...

Don't Saddam me, he interrupted. Did you see his face? The guy was already long gone, up there where it matters, the head you know....which he will soon loose. For all I know, it may not even be the real guy but one of his many doubles. He'll serve our purposes nonetheless; a few news cycles here and there. The Dems will keep repeating that we cannot fail in Iraq; we are there for the long haul. The Europeans will be crawling on their knees, calling for unity in face of such a challenging future; and the smirking Bushites will run all the way to the bank -- and a second term. Bush is a shoe-in. Heh, heh, heh, you dissidents had it coming, you morons (oops, sorry mate).

Wouldn't you say, avoiding the snippy comments, that a year is a long time in politics? I asked. Things can still go wrong, both in Iraq and in the economy...

Yeah, sure, he answered. But even if Bush loses -- a tough proposition knowing that an additional seven electoral votes have gone the way of the Republicans thanks to the 2000 census, and the Dems offer no credible alternative -- we'll have a DLC man, that is a Republican clone, in the White House. Either way we win and you guys lose.

You corpocrats are kind of playing hard ball, I suggested...

Yeah, the only way to play, he concluded. Enjoy the game! It's football time; the 49ers are playing....need to go; sayonara. Remember, I'm keeping an eye on you and your fellas.

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Gilles d'Aymery is Swans' publisher and co-editor.

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Published December 15, 2003
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