by Charles Marowitz
"You say either and I say eyether
You say neither and I say nyther;
Either, eyether, neether, nyther—
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like potato and I like po-tah-to
You like tomato and I like to-mah-to
Potato, po-tah-to, tomato, to-mah-to
Let's call the whole thing off!"
—George Gershwin, Let's Call the Whole Thing off.
(Swans - September 24, 2007)
BREAKING NEWS:
The result of the hard-fought 2008 presidential election has produced one of the great upsets in the history of American politics. A massive "write-in" vote, which was expected to benefit Senator Barack Obama, has inexplicably elected Osama bin Laden to the Nation's top position. The Florida tally, just confirmed in last night's recount, is that the "write-in" vote for Osama, due to the unparalleled number of Muslim voters and unfortunate similarities in the candidates' names, has brought about the election of the controversial Muslim leader.
It has been rumored that Democratic leaders have met with the terrorist chieftain and offered to form a coalition government on condition that their bill doubling senatorial pay is accepted by both sides. But, in a subsequent report, it was bruited that key Republican leaders have also discussed power-sharing with Osama so long as the female members of the Senate are not obliged to wear jihabs or the men, turbans.
In a hurried late-night telephone call with Barack Obama in his Chicago headquarters, the senator blamed the voting machines for this grievous miscarriage of justice. "I always said, given the galloping ignorance rampant among most voters, something like this might happen. After the election of 2000, I recommended voting rights be removed from the more feeble-minded residents of Florida but the opposition said this would be tantamount to imposing sterilization. I don't see the similarity myself and, given the number of numbskulls regularly spawned in this country, sterilization itself is not such a nutty idea."
In a hurriedly-organized press conference at the White House Rose Garden, Mr. Bin Laden expressed the desire to work with the right-wing factions of both major parties in order to heal any breaches his election may have caused. "The Democratic process has spoken," he told a gathering of supporters "and I know all loyal Americans will accept its verdict. I extend my hand to kindred spirits in both parties and look forward to working closely with people like Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Paul Wolfowitz, whose past efforts have been so helpful in enabling me to achieve this resounding victory." Asked about his immediate presidential plans, Mr. Bin Laden explained: "Once we pass legislation banning Christmas and Yum Kippur, we shall get down to the real business of government -- that is, increasing the price of oil and beheading the Priesthood."
Asked for a comment about the unexpected turn of events, Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky responded: "Let's look on the bright side. At least, it's not Hillary!"
Attempts to reach ex-President George Bush for his comments proved fruitless but a White House aid was quoted as saying: "Mr. Bush is communing with Billy Graham prior to checking into a sanitarium near his ranch in Crawford, Texas."
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