Millennarists have lost their last chance to witness the coming of the end. Armageddon will have to wait until 3001, while Ol' Reagan turns 90 next month. The indispensable nation is going through a change of guard. Six of one, half a dozen of the other
As predicted last year, the new monarch to lead the forces of good and commerce against evil and anarchy is male, white, and a God-fearing Christian. We never predicted anything about his diction and intellect though. Dot-coms are out, soft-landing is in. We have gone beyond the era of "It's the economy, stupid" and landed on the shores of "It's the values, stupid." To predict the next moves of our barbaricracy in such an uncertain climate is anyone's guess. Ours are brought to you tongue-in-cheek and free of charge, courtesy of Margaret Wyles, Michael Stowell, Milo Clark, Jan Baughman and Gilles d'Aymery.
- The human race has had its moments of glory. "I will promote oil exploration in Mexico to lessen our dependence on foreign oil," was George W. Bush's contribution to the discussion on globalization. His administration will scramble to annex Mexico in order to cover up his slight geographical error.
- Saddam Hussein will donate his 10,000 "Play Stations" to all the starving children of Baghdad.
- The U.S. Congress, unable to pass any legislation whatsoever, will inspire yet another third party, the "New-Age Anarchist Party", which will boast an immediate membership of 42% of all eligible voters and will advocate government bankruptcy and an amendment to the U.S. Constitution which nullifies any election that does not receive at least two-thirds of the eligible vote.
- Several women come forward in an exclusive 60 Minutes interview to reveal that women all along have known the intricacies of the computer world but have merely played dumb so that men are stuck fixing the damn things and connecting all the cables.
The following week, several men come forward to reveal that they purposefully mixed colors in with the whites and used hot water so that they would not be harnessed to the drudgery of laundry which they believe is women's work.
In retaliation, men refuse to take out the garbage. In further retaliation, women serve it to them for dinner.
- George W. Bush appoints Ralph Reed to head a new White House department, the Office of Federal Faith-Based And Secular Ecumenism (OFFBASE). In response to criticism, our anointed monarch will be quoted as saying, "According to my Cabinet, Washington D.C. is not a state, so the separation of church and state doesn't apply here. Besides, a little faith never hurt anyone - look where it got me."
- On January 20th, Bill Clinton gives a big sigh of relief and "inhales" for the first time. Following Hillary to Washington he opens a cigar store in the basement of their $2.8 million pied-à-terre.
- The campaign by millions of Catholics to promote the Virgin Mary to the rank of "co-redemptrix", thus sharing the spotlight with her son Jesus, takes a surprising twist when Pope John Paul II instead elevates Pat Robertson to the position. A lawsuit will be filed against the Vatican on behalf of Mary claiming gender discrimination. "This is yet another tragic example of a woman being passed up for promotion in favor of a white male," she divines. The case will drag on in appellate court for centuries to come, despite the deaths of John Paul II and Robertson.
- Jesse Helms will succeed Kofi Annan at the helm of the United Nations. Orrin Hatch will become ambassador at large for VIAGRA, replacing Bob Dole who, having been kept in the doghouse since the primaries by the tender Elizabeth, does not need positive reinforcement anymore.
- On Inauguration Day George W. Bush will cross his eyes to make a funny face and they will freeze... He will no longer be able to see past his nose.
- Capitalizing on the success of the movie Titanic, James Cameron directs a new film about another sinking ship called the U.S.S. Democracy, starring Antonin Scalia and Kathryn Harris as themselves.
- Sometime between 2001 and 2004 Dubya completes his first sentence.
- Gulf War II will be launched to give Colin Powell a second chance to finish off Saddam Hussein. "This is not about foreign intervention or the unnecessary use of US troops", says President Bush, "It's about preservin' the rights of Americans to drive their cars and keep warm at night, and Prime Minister, oops, Vice President Cheney tells me that makes it a domestic issue".
- Bryant Gumbel and Colin Powell are shocked to discover they are of African American descent.
- The new administration, comprised of the former Bush/Reagan/Ford/Nixon administrations, will lead us into the Second Cold War, resulting in a return to widespread fear of Total Nuclear Destruction. In the wake of plummeting technology stocks, mybombshelter.com and stockpile.com will be the only successful dot-com IPOs of the new millennium.
- NOW celebrates as the first dead woman is elected to political office.
The Humane Society celebrates as the first dead cat is elected to political office.
A poll taken reveals that all but 20% of the public would prefer the dead woman or the dead cat to George W. Al Gore, now Governor of Puerto Rico, cannot be reached for comment.
- Serbs, having seen the light, express gratitude to the 19 NATO countries for their humanitarian intervention leading to renewed freedom. Meanwhile, the United Nations reclassify Yugoslavia as the latest member of the Third World. "Free at last, free at last", will intone Jesse Jackson.
- Yugoslavia broken into smithereens, Serbs are no longer demons and Albanians no longer needed.
- Multi-ethnicity and ethnic cleansing disappear from the pundits' vocabulary, as the new president cannot pronounce the words.
- The Sega generation turns its attention to Colombia and Venezuela to eradicate anti-free market forces and create a new era of freedom in Latin America where oil flows freely to our darling SUV's.
- Eighty-nine percent of the students tested on the 2001 S.A.T. exam are unable to locate Kosovo and Metohija on a map.
- Peace in the Middle East will be signed in a ceremony on the Brooklyn Bridge next to a "for sale" sign.
- Enlightened philosopher, philanthropist and financial wizard George Soros will muse on yet more of his gratuitous prophecies and will receive honorary degrees from all the Eastern and Central Asian nations his Open Society Institute has acquired in the name of grass-roots democracy.
- In the 21st Century, about to dawn from darkness, resource wars which characterized the late mercantilist eons of the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries will resume. Coming off the silicon induced highs of knowledge and information economics we will thud sharply and harshly back into the essentials of the resource base of economics.
- And of course, half of the world population will continue to enjoy the benefits of globalization with a $2 daily income.
- Other than that, we are expecting miracles on the way to perfections.
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