"What provokes your risibility, Sir? Have I said anything that you understand? Then I ask pardon of the rest of the company."
Fine, we know, the nabobs of negativism pointed out that last year's Infamous Predictions were way off-mark, particularly that of the DOW, which we forecast would close below 6,000. Well, money's never been our forte, so give us some slack. But we did predict matter-of-factly that the rich would get richer and the poor poorer... Okay, that was an easy one; but what about "Gray Davis's colorless features [making] one long for Arnold Schwarzenegger?" We did utter those words then and see what we got now! Better be careful what you ask for...
We also received notice from the Office of Public Morality that a forthcoming Executive Order would outlaw sex except when done to procreate unborn fetuses and that prurient predictions -- we've been known for those -- would not be tolerated any longer. So, prurience won't be at the rendezvous. It's not been a sexy year, anyway -- just a glance at Laura Bush would make spending a night with Michael Jackson a delightful experience! -- and from our reading of the tea leaves there is nary a prospect for improvement in 2004. With the bushes filled with flaccid dicks and virgin chicks, humor in America has been exiled in no-child-left-behind orphanhood.
Predictably, in search of soberness and sobriety we've had to use our scissors with abandon and censor some of our friends (1) (we do not have enemies, right?) who tended to be a tad wordy at the obscene margins, and remain unfamiliar with the Aristotelian principle that "entities must not be multiplied beyond what is necessary."
As an atonement for our sins we will give a free Swans subscription to the first ten readers who send us the names of the malevolent authors/blasphemers who contributed to our Infamous Predictions. We heretofore predict no one will qualify. Enjoy!
The White House Press Corps is embedded in all West Wing Restrooms to serve as attendants. Both pundits and the general public agree that this is a sound political move, for the press corps has become increasingly indifferent to and gotten into the habit of ignoring the numerous foul odors and the sound of frequent gaseous discharges emanating from the staff of the Bush White House -- plus this plan makes it easier for all concerned to facilitate sucking-up and ass-kissing.
The press corps will have an attack of conscience after having terrible visions from eating an appetizer of tainted foie gras at the annual National Press Association Dinner. In their delirium they are, collectively, visited by the Dickensian-like ghost of Bill Clinton's Penis (which was the last thing that aroused them enough to act like investigative reporters). The Penis rises over the Potomac and points them in the direction of the myriad Bush Administration corruptions, scandals, and cover ups.
Rupert Murdoch, genuinely in it for the money, will create a mainstream progressive media conglomerate because the demand is so blatantly obvious. Amy Goodman and Phil Donahue will be its flagship news personalities.
The hottest new show on TV will be Fox's "Medical Examiner." Each episode takes the viewer right up close to a real "live" medical examination in major metropolitan areas, and areas of conflict around the globe. Viewers thrill to see gunshot and highway accident victims brought fresh from the action right to the screen as medical examiners perform autopsies to determine the causes of death. Exciting episodes also include celebrity exhumations, and forensic examinations. A Fox spokesman says "If we can finalize arrangements to exhume Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana, we're convinced we can out-draw the Super Bowl."
MTV's "Real World: The White House" series will be the new Osbournes. George W., Laura, Dick, Lynn, Condi, Colin, and Rummy will have to work in a music studio, and all hell will break loose when John Mellencamp comes to record his new anti-war album.
Saddam Hussein will be offered competing $1 billion book-plus-movie deals by Disney-Simon & Schuster and Viacom-Time-Life. They hope to get the deposed dictator to write his memoirs in advance of his trial, to gain ownership to the rights of Hussein's story before it enters the public domain as court testimony. French and German media conglomerates protest their inability to get reasonable commercial access to Hussein, to tender what they claim would be competitive offers.
Michael Jackson quickly completes his gender reassignment in the hopes that the world will find it less unnatural for a woman to share a bed with young boys. Tissue from his removed penis is used to successfully reconstruct his nose, but when he faces his young accuser in court, his nose becomes engorged, suggesting to the jury that his interests were much more than maternal. He is eventually forced to cut off his nose to spite his face and sent to a mental hospital in Switzerland for treatment.
Rush Limbaugh will announce that he is staying true to his principles, declaring that all low-life law breakers must be punished with zero tolerance, and then turns himself in to local law enforcement officials, demanding he be punished to the fullest extent of the law. In a related, equally as credible development, it will be reported that at the very moment of Limbaugh's confession, a bright light began to shine from his broad butt, a phenomena that moved and inspired all who witnessed the event to the restorative power of truth. Rush was then flown to his jail cell by an elite squadron of airborne pigs that also had flown out of his ass directly after his heart-felt confession and the emergence of the bright beacon of light.
Pope John Paul II will step down into his final resting place, but beatifies himself in his last public appearance at the Vatican. "I am a living miracle for having served in this hedonistic era of sex scandals, gay marriages and female priests," he will proclaim. Others, saner humans, will intone, "Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, we are free at last!"
Diebolt will merge with Disneyland: The perennial write-in candidate, Mickey Mouse (R. Rodent) wins the Florida race for the US Senate by a landslide.
The US Department of Education will announce a new government program for privatizing education called the Revlon-Estee Lauder-Calvin Klein Junior High School Girls' Confidence Initiative. "This program will not only prepare our girls to take their places as American women, but it will also boost their confidence and skills at social interactions, and strengthen the values we believe essential for good citizenship and families." The sponsoring companies will supply beauty products and foundation garments and instruction in their selection and use as part of physical education classes. This program will replace the family planning and sex education classes, which proper-thinking Americans find offensive and ineffective. "You'd hardly think that thirteen-year-olds could pass for twenty, but with this program, they'll learn how," says a DOED spokesman.
An entire herd of mad cow disease infected cattle will be discovered on a dairy farm in Nevada. "We thought they was just woozy from the underground nucular waste," says the farm owner, defensively. With the subsequent collapse of the entire milk industry, Coke and Pepsi will enter a heated race to develop the first white, calcium-rich viscous soft drink, and schools will narrowly escape the requirement to remove vending machines from their cafeterias, now their only source of funding beside the Revlon-Estee Lauder-Calvin Klein initiative.
America claims Canada intentionally sent a mad cow across the border to destabilize the US economy. Tom Ridge calls the alleged act a "despicable display of bovine terrorism" and states that using cows as political pawns is to the hamburger what flag burning is to democracy. The U.S. launches a pre-emptive self-defense war on Canada, and shares of McDonald's stock soar to an all-time high when their new McFreedom Burger is launched with the slogan, "Eat Beef: It's Patriotic." Americans will once again feel safe.
Wal-Mart, in a bid to lower its operating cost and fight the epidemic of obesity among its workforce, announces a plan to generate the energy needed to operate its stores by utilizing rotating shifts of employees who will be deployed, on their days off, in the basements to man energy-generating rowing machines that will connect to a main power grid. A Wal-Mart spokesperson will be quoted as saying, "This is a win-win proposition. It saves the company energy costs and the work-out will reduce the waistlines of overweight associates who are a financial drag on the company and a menace to their own health, as well. We have full confidence that this plan will improve the lives of our employees.... I mean, did you ever see a fat galley slave?"
Attorney General John Ashcroft has the DOJ file an appeal to the US Supreme Court to overturn a local ordinance in Bolinas, California banning gun ownership by fetuses. The law was actually passed in error, with typos in the original filing obscuring what was supposed to be a ban on gun ownership by any human carrying a fetus. The National Right To Rifle Association (NRTRA) took umbrage at this infringement of personal freedom and threatened to fund a $100 million recall campaign of Governor Schwarzenegger if he did not terminate Bolinas within a month. Asked if Bolinas was concerned about these legal challenges, a spokesman for the city attorney replied "Shit no, if we can get Schwarzenegger dumped with just a few typos, we might have to start making some more mistakes."
Bored by the lackluster life of Sacramento, Arnold Schwarzenegger will order the state capital to be moved to Beverly Hills. California will recall Arnold after it is revealed that he hired his body-double to stand in for him as governor while he filmed Terminator 4.
Republicans will move not only to have Ronald Reagan's face imprinted on the dime, but on every other bill and coin in circulation. Also, every public building, landmark, all bridges and highways will be named after the former actor-turned-politician. Washington D.C. will be renamed Gipperton, D.C., which will henceforth exist in the United States of Ronald Reagan. The earth, itself, will be referred to as just plain "Ron," but all of creation will be called the Ronnieverse.
The hot new drinks in the clubs will be, for men, the "13-Iron," a mixture of Jack Daniels on ice, Coke, powdered Viagra, and two cherries; and for women, the "Miz-Miz," a mixture of Bacardi light rum, Diet Pepsi, powdered RU-486 and ice, all blended, and with a twist. Bartenders report a tendency for big Miz-Miz nights following big 13-Iron nights.
Breakthrough discoveries with the Human Genome allow for procedures that create animal-human mergers. It will be revealed that Tom Delay has secretly grafted himself with his old nemesis, the cockroach, in order to survive potential nuclear attacks and create a massive army of Republican cockroaches. An unintended consequence is that republican leadership scatters to all the corners, cracks, and crevices of a room when surprised by the unexpected appearance of a strong source of light. This development finally resolves the mystery as to why republican tactics cannot stand exposure to the light of day. All important business will now be done in dark, closed rooms. Nothing in Washington changes in the least.
With Iraq's rapid progress towards democracy (can't you see it?), President Bush will need to find another country to keep alive his "axis of evil." Switzerland will be added as its inclination towards fence-sitting even in the face of pure evil is a threat to United States security.
Native Hawaiians will rise up and retake Oahu, spreading rebellion to the entire island chain. Food will run out as hotel and grocery stocks are raided. Mainland Americans trapped on the islands are forced to live on poi and cassava, and without room service. Mr. Bush orders Navy ships armed with nuclear weapons to the area. "We will ensure the safety of American mainlanders even if we have to incinderate [sic] them," he declares. A spokesman for the hotel and real estate industry associations urge Mr. Bush to use restraint. "We believe this is a situation that would be more peacefully resolved with poison gas than nuclear weapons. We are concerned about the long-term adverse effects to property values with the nuclear option. We urge the President to use gas to preserve our values."
John Ashcroft declares nocturnal erections "a blood-gorged army of enemy combatants." "Be vigilant," the Attorney General will be quoted as saying, "this enemy plies its evil-doings while good Christians sleep. Our enemies are no longer just hiding under the bed, but they are dwelling right under the sheets with you."
The draft is reinstated to include universal conscription. All able-bodied members of every race, income bracket, and class distinction -- without any exception whatsoever -- will be equally eligible for military service. Inexplicably, a Department of Peace is proposed by, voted on, and passed by wide margins in both the House and Senate and will be established immediately.
Legislators will retract a proposed twenty-seventh amendment to the Constitution defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman when they are advised that wording related to the definition of divorce must also be included if divorce is to remain a legal option for men and women. "It would disparage the sanctity of the fine institution of marriage if divorce were also mentioned in the amendment," one middle-aged divorced Catholic Senator will state, on the condition of anonymity.
George W. Bush will announce a new department, the Office of Faith Based Prisons, to be headed by Jim Baker. "We have a huge captive audience in this country that can serve the lord while serving their time," the president will proclaim. In an unrelated announcement, the Supreme Court will grant faith-based prisoners the right to vote.
In a move to bring younger blood into the administration and galvanize the support of the religious right, Karl Rove will prod Dick Cheney to step aside so that Mr. Bush can choose a fetus (R. Womb) as his running mate for the 2004 presidential election. Pundits are thrilled, calling it a brilliant move because a fetus, once it comes to term, will be born with more knowledge of foreign policy than Dubya.
A grade school photo op goes totally wrong when President Bush misunderstands the statement of a first grader who said to him, "I drew a picture of you in art class," which Bush hears as, "I drew a picture of your AWOL ASS." At this, Bush will begin shooting spit balls at the youngster, then become belligerent with the entire class of six-year-olds, taunting them to "Bring it on!" and "You'll be having your next nappytime in Guantanamo."
Following a major terrorist attack in late October 2004 the Bush Administration will suspend the Constitution and postpone the presidential elections to November 2008. The Supreme Court, taking into consideration General "We don't do body counts" Tommy Frank's admonition that such an attack will cause "our population to question our own Constitution and to begin to militarize our country in order to avoid a repeat of another mass, casualty-producing event. Which in fact then begins to unravel the fabric of our Constitution," will uphold the suspension. [ed. (in a quaint voice) This is not funny. We were supposed to be humorous, weren't we?]
Thanks to his compassionate conservatism and his grip on power, Mr. Bush will generously authorize the plebs to have sex on public holidays. Don't worry, be happy!
Truth Prevails. Pigs take wing. The staff of Swans Commentary declares "our work is done here" and re-opens as a website dedicated to promulgation of Smurfs nostalgia.
Or we'll be incarcerated at Guantánamo Bay. [ed. is sex allowed there, or at least Internet access?]
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1. This year's predictions shamelessly feature Jan Baughman, Eli Beckerman, Manuel Garcia Jr., and Phil Rockstroh; they've been savagely and recklessly edited by master scatterbrain Gilles d'Aymery who will deny all responsibility for the endeavor, cowardly avoid any association with the outcome and forward the usual flames to the Office of Public Morality, c/o The White House through the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives via the FBI ("Hi, there"), and other friendly official eunuchs. (back)
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Swans' Predictions over the years
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